Where There Were No Doors

Follow your bliss and doors will open where there were no doors before - Joseph Campbell

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Get yer cock out Macca!

FLORIDA (BlissNews): Officials at the CBS TV network are said to be in "a state of panic" as the hour approaches for the kick-off of the NFL Super Bowl XXXIX in Florida today. Last year the network found itself slapped with a record $550,000 fine as a result of the Janet Jackson / Justin Timberlake "wardrobe malfunction" incident.

In an attempt to 'play it safe', executives at CBS arranged to have Sir Paul McCartney perform the half-time show this year. "We didn't want to risk a repeat of last year", said CBS V.P. of Marketing, Indoctrination and Demographics Ms. Stephanie Goebbels last week, "and booking a 62-year-old man as opposed to a young buxom woman was seen as definitely being the way to go this year. Here at the CBS network, we acknowledge that we've had a rough year, but we have responded appropriately, and none of those responsible for last year's atrocity have survived the recent purges".

Ms. Goebbels went on to point out that Sir Paul is a Knight of the British Empire, and then alleged that "only those of nobility and purity are awarded such an honour, after all".

Earlier this afternoon however, as the time for the event approached, it emerged that "Sir" Paul McCartney may well himself prove to be a loose cannon at Superbowl 39. CBS researchers unearthed evidence that Sir Paul had in the past been known under a number of aliases. "Macca" as he was often known had been in jail for trafficking in narcotics, and had been caught on film on many occasions admitting to taking drugs of various kinds as well as drug trafficking throughout Europe, the Far East and North America.

On top of this, "Macca" or "The Pretty One" as he was also known, had spent part of his life as a member of a strange Far Eastern Cult and to this day espouses extremist philosophies such as marijuana legalisation and vegetarianism. A closer look at the lyrics of some of the songs that Pretty Boy McCartney might choose to play live to America's largest TV audience convinced CBS they had a problem.

Spokesman for Legal Affairs at CBS, Mr. Leopold Strange, said that he had failed to get assurances from Sir Paul's people that certain songs would not be played. "Apparently the contract we signed gave him complete artistic control", said Strange slapping himself on the forehead. "But that was before we knew he was some kind of drug-taking commie freak! What the hell are we going to do now?"

Strange went on to cite a number of McCartney's songs as being "entirely inappropriate for a modern American television audience".

"Many of his earlier songs contain references to drug-taking in a positive light... which I'm sure everyone would agree, is sending out the wrong message. There are songs about murder, as well as songs which - some have claimed - actually inspired some of the most brutal murders in living memory!"

Professor Bo Dudley of the Harvard School of Advanced Musicalness concurs. "Last year at Superbowl, Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake may have irreparably damaged millions - perhaps billions - of young American minds. But to give this long-haired druggie from Liverpool 12 minutes with all of America as his audience is to risk a nationwide epidemic of drug-taking and violent murdering on a near biblical scale! I mean, he faked his own death in the late 60s! What does that say about a guy?! CBS better hope he does Give My Regards To Broad Street followed by an 8 minute version of The Frog Chorus."

That, however, seems unlikely with McCartney's camp remaining tight-lipped about the set-list. There is also further worry regarding Macca's quip to a local news reporter. When asked about last year's tragic events, he is alleged to have replied: "I can safely say I won't have a wardrobe malfunction". However, there is mounting concern that he may have placed the emphasis on the word "malfunction". And some inside CBS are interpreting that to mean the 62-year-old may be planning to expose himself.

And not only within CBS. "If Sir Paul has got some kind of special pants designed to burst open and reveal his genitalia, then it will hardly be a malfunction if that's exactly what occurs! I know how these Europeans think! It's exactly the kind of sick stunt they'd pull", said Professor Dudley.

4 Comments:

Blogger L said...

ha ha! This is SO true!

7/2/05 01:43  
Blogger Rachel said...

Fantastic! :)

7/2/05 11:05  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bo Dudley.........

I like it.

RA

7/2/05 23:14  
Anonymous Philippe said...

This is worthy of the Onion - and I don't say this lightly!

Ever thought of contributing to that fine publication JB?

17/2/05 03:45  

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