Where There Were No Doors

Follow your bliss and doors will open where there were no doors before - Joseph Campbell

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

My accidental traffic

I have clearly run out of ideas if I'm reduced to this. The most generic of all blog entries... the lowest of all the most common denominators... yes, it's the "Things they googled for to find me" post. Sorry.

If nothing else though, it gives me an excuse to mention once more the fact that people have - in the past - arrived at my website by googling "Oliver Kamm tedious bore" (which is something of a private joke, but I find it very funny indeed). Also, amazingly, I was once discovered by someone searching for "how to give a suppository to a timid teenage boy". Hardly something you'd want to admit being an expert in.

Recently though, I've discovered that my policy of deliberately mis-spelling "Prince Charels" (as a way of pointing out that Parker-Bowels is kind of funny, without being so crass as to actually spell it that way) has meant that I've been getting quite a few people thanks to their google typos. Isn't the internet marvellous? I'd bet money on the fact that this sentence - containing the words "nakef schollgirls" - will generate at least one extra hit. Whether he's the demographic I'm after, however...

One of the main reasons I decided to do this piece, actually, was to ask a question of my extremely knowledgeable readership. Not three hours ago someone arrived here searching for "van morrison's anti-semitic song". Does anyone know what this query might be referring to? Van's done some dubious stuff over the years... but anti-semitism? It just doesn't seem likely.

There's been a glut of recent arrivals looking for information on "UCAWWW"; those zany Texans who want to abolish the internet. Texas is the only place I've been where a random redneck pulled a handgun on me, pointed it right into my face at close range and slowly squeezed the trigger until the hammer went "click" very loudly; then laughed as my knees gave way and I stumbled and fell rather wussily.

Not a big fan of Texas.

I'm also getting listed on the first page of google when someone searches for "Vatican smoke". One of those strange glitches; like the fact that my old site used to show up as the number one result for "top ten songs ever". I suspect few people are seeking my witterings when they type these things into google.

Another bit of oddness is the fact that one of the very first entries on this site (a review of Battle Royale) has suddenly become very popular. One of the lines I quoted from the film, "You can do it Shuya" has been searched for 8 times in the past 3 days alone. What's with that?

The most recent search at the time of writing was "rate my bong" which I like a lot. And the top ten words are...
  • hardee
  • malcolm
  • doors
  • bliss
  • jim
  • where
  • oil
  • production
  • peaking
  • world
Words which have put in only one appearance include...
  • friedman
  • pathogenic
  • fuck
  • puppytorturer
  • discontinuity
  • dutch
  • demonology
  • drugs
  • toothpicks
  • pants
And to the person who arrived here last night because they were "angry at being single" can I just point out that I trade more in "despair and indignation" rather than anger (as, I hope, the person who arrived soon afterwards discovered), but I do sympathise all the same.


Blogger john b said...

"Rate my bong" is the best website idea I've heard in a while. Might even do something about it, in the unlikely event that I get the time...

"Oliver Kamm tedious bore", meanwhile, is more of an incontrovertible fact than a private joke.

25/5/05 09:44  
Anonymous Tango-Mango said...

I like the cut of your Googlejib, sir!

I am still bemused and slightly amused that my site gets Googled for the simple search word "buggery", largely thanks to a review of Millenium Buggery by Radio Savage Houndy Beasty...


25/5/05 16:19  
Blogger merrick said...

Running the Radio Savage Houndy Beasty site, I can confirm that 'buggery' used to be our top search string, with 'fisting' (the title of one of our MP3s) second.

However, in recent months the sites that collate MP3 site info have kicked in, and now our top search stringgs are for 'George Michael MP3' and 'Mariah Carey MP3'.

I love the idea of people downloading our MP3 titled 'George Michael' and the one credited to 'Mariah Carey' expecting the actual artist.

For more details, check out

26/5/05 10:11  
Blogger murphy55 said...

"van morrison's anti-semitic song" (gulp) would be me. but it wasn’t what I put in google. My search was “joseph campbell anti-Semitic’, a search derived from a conversation I had w/ some jackass at a bar, who swore this to be true. I told the guy to do some research/reading on JC writing and judge from that, not opinion, hearsay. I then looked up via Google what was behind such a loaded comment, which led me to you. LOVE your blog, btw. I’m fairly naïve about this whole format but I spent the better part of that night/early morning (for me in the states, not texas) reading your entries. I think the Van Morrison loop must be from my searching/reading your entry about Astral Weeks and Lester Bangs as I was also searching the Joseph Campbell thing.

30/5/05 21:35  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

re van & anti-semitism, regretably, his current CD "Magic Time" has a blatantly anti-semetic song, "You Sold Me Out".

As a long time fan I was outraged!


22/6/05 21:32  
Blogger Jim Bliss said...

Having just read the lyrics of "They Sold Me Out" I'm glad to say that they are not (in my view) remotely anti-semitic.

The song uses the image of Christ's betrayal and the dividing up of his robes as he hung on the cross. But Van has often used religious imagery in his songs; and unless you consider those passages of the bible to be anti-semitic (what? The Word of God? Anti-semitic? Isn't that blasphemous?) then there's no reason to describe the song as such (he doesn't elaborate in any way on the imagery used in the gospels).

Also one should note that those who gambled for Christ's robes as he hung dying and divided them up were Roman soldiers. This further undercuts the anti-semitic claims.

4/7/05 02:20  

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