Where There Were No Doors

Follow your bliss and doors will open where there were no doors before - Joseph Campbell

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Press Release, Owl Farm 31/05/1990

Last night I was searching for a particular piece by Hunter S. Thompson and was horrified to discover that it currently exists only in the google-cache of a geocities website (as well as in Songs of The Doomed of course). In order to keep this wonderful piece alive, I've decided to reproduce it here... it's a press release written by Thompson after he was acquitted on various charges.

WOODY CREEK, COLO., May 31, 1990 - Famed Gonzo journalist Dr. Hunter S. Thompson waves to a frenzied mob of his "supporters" at yesterday's press conference on the steps of the Pitkin County Courthouse... where all charges on Sex, Drugs, Bombs, and Violence crimes against The Doctor were Dismissed Without Prejudice by District Court Judge Charles Buss, who called Thompson "a perfect gentleman" and excoriated the District Attorney for Negligence, Malfeasance, and Criminal Abuse of Police Power. Spectators applauded as Dep. Dist. Atty. Chip "Shiteyes" McCrory wept openly at the verdict and was led from the courtroom by bailiffs.

Thompson denounced the Dismissal as "pure cowardice" and said he would "appeal it at once" to the Colorado Supreme Court.

Thompson described the District Attorney's "whole goddamn staff" as "thugs liars crooks" and "lazy human scum... These stupid brutes tried to destroy my life," he said, "and now they tell me to just forget it."

"Fuck that!" he screeched. "They are guilty! They should all be hung by their heels from iron telephone poles on the road to Woody Creek!"

The crowd roared and surged forward, chanting, "Yes! Now! Hang them now!"

A man with a pitchfork rushed up the ancient stone steps and attempted to enter the courthouse, but he was hurled away by Thompson, who blocked the doorway and told the mob to "be calm."

"Not now!" he shouted. "Not today! But soon! Yes! We will PUNISH them! We will chop off their fingers and gnaw on their skulls and feed their flesh to our animals!"

The crowd responded by ripping up trees in the courtyard and hammering crazily on the hoods of nearby police cars. "Death to the Weird," they howled. "They shall not pass! PUNISH them!" At this point Dr. Thompson was seized from behind by his two high-powered attorneys and rushed to a waiting car, which departed at high speed.

Later, from his heavily guarded fortress called "Owl Farm," Thompson's lawyers issued a statement that called him "a hero, a saint... and the bravest man in America... Dr. Thompson is a great poet," they said, "who often speaks in apocalyptic terms.

"His comments earlier today about Death, Cannibalism, and Vengeance should not be construed in any way as a threat to the physical safety of any living thing."

The statement was hailed by the press as "further proof that Dr. Thompson should be awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace."

"The Doctor will have no further comment on The Case," his attorneys said, "for legal reasons stemming from his $22 million civil lawsuit against the District Attorney's Office, which will be formally filed next week."

Later that night, however, the restive Gonzo journalist issued a mysterious "personal statement" that local authorities called "very gracious, very strange, and very bloodthirsty all at once."

He spoke of a "historical mandate," citing mysterious blood feuds. He refused to talk about his rumored blood relationship to Genghis Khan, Cassius Clay, John Gotti, and other legendary warriors.

"But you forget," he said. "I am Lono. I am He. When the great bell rings, I will be there."

Thompson refused to elaborate on his claim to be Someone Else, and his aides brusquely turned aside press queries. Reporters who persisted were roughed up by burley "advisers" wearing bulletproof vests and "Owl Farm/Security" badges. One TV journalist, who begged not to be named, said he was taken to "a cistern somewhere in the compound" and forced to strip naked while standing knee-deep in "ice-cold water rushing up from an underground river." For "many hours," he said, he was tormented by drunken lawyers and mocked by what appeared to be naked women.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Paul Davies said...

Kudos on the salvage job Jim, but surely it is disrepectful to your readers to suggest that they don't all already own SOTD, as not doing so is tantamount to not having a soul. :)

15/9/05 13:18  
Blogger L said...

ah.... love Hunter S. Thompson! He makes me laugh so much

19/9/05 05:44  

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